Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
