DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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