I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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