so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
