We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
