I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she smelled like a LAN party
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
