btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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