So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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