If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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