Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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