Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
