I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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