tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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