Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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