I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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