OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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