at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
