Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
