The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
