I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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