I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
