I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
