If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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