how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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