One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Even my vagina gasped.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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