two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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