im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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