broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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