guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
