Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
