yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
