he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
