chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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