The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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