I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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