What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
