In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
