and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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