I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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