We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
kristin has been a bad kristin
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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