Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
