i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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