I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
