I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
