I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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