You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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