Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
how drunk are you?
Several
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
