Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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