wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
