please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
