You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just cropdusted the office
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
