someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
